Envy

There's a spider in my bathroom that is extremely productive. It builds this tightly crafted web in the same corner everyday. One of my housemates clears it away each morning and only two hours later everyday I see it rebuilt to exact completion of the web. It is a nice looking web and quite large as it goes about 7 inches from wall to wall in the corner and it even has different floors as if it is a drawing of a 3 story house plan. This project is rebuilt every day for a couple of months now. I haven't even seen the spider. It must work quickly.

On a day I felt envious and inferior since I can't do as much as I used to be able to do and I hear from my friends about what wonderful productive things they did or get to enjoy in life. I feel saddened by my ongoing and growing recognition that I will never be able to have jobs like them, get as much done as them, go on fantastic beautiful vacations or go skiing like them. I won't be able to organize and create like them as my life turns slower with my disease.

The other day my Mom and I were talking about not getting caught up in comparison and envy, and a meditation DVD I have mentions letting go of our comparisons and envious thoughts. I started laughing because I remember thinking of the productive spider and how I was jealous that it could rebuild it's web everyday so beautifully yet for me there's not much I can do, even changing clothes seems like a chore somedays.

Seeing the happiness in everyday and paying attention to my thoughts are some of the things I have learned from my mom, meditation books and tapes and I have to practice with this disease. Lately when I see the web I actually smile at it's beauty and it makes me happy to see it. I don't feel jealous that the spider doesn't have M.S. and can do that everyday. Instead I laugh at myself for seeing how my altered state of this setback has come to this – being jealous of a spider's beautiful web design.

I wrote this while listening to This is My Life by Shirley Bassey the disco version and it made me happy and helped me embrace my life with more happiness.