On a day I felt envious and inferior since I can't do as much as I used to be able to do and I hear from my friends about what wonderful productive things they did or get to enjoy in life. I feel saddened by my ongoing and growing recognition that I will never be able to have jobs like them, get as much done as them, go on fantastic beautiful vacations or go skiing like them. I won't be able to organize and create like them as my life turns slower with my disease.
The other day my Mom and I were talking about not getting caught up in comparison and envy, and a meditation DVD I have mentions letting go of our comparisons and envious thoughts. I started laughing because I remember thinking of the productive spider and how I was jealous that it could rebuild it's web everyday so beautifully yet for me there's not much I can do, even changing clothes seems like a chore somedays.
Seeing the happiness in everyday and paying attention to my thoughts are some of the things I have learned from my mom, meditation books and tapes and I have to practice with this disease. Lately when I see the web I actually smile at it's beauty and it makes me happy to see it. I don't feel jealous that the spider doesn't have M.S. and can do that everyday. Instead I laugh at myself for seeing how my altered state of this setback has come to this – being jealous of a spider's beautiful web design.
I wrote this while listening to This is My Life by Shirley Bassey the disco version and it made me happy and helped me embrace my life with more happiness.
